Taking Control

Lately I feel as if I have no control over my life. I don't know where it's heading. I don't even know where I want it to go. It's like I'm waiting for the plan to be unveiled. All I know, is that for now, I don't like where it currently is. And with this lack of control of the big picture, I find myself a little obsessed with having control over the small things.

This became completely apparent to me on my previously mentioned trip to Asheville. I realized that I need to have control over the minor things or I feel anxious and flustered. But I decided that's not healthy. Because you can't make all the decisions when you are part of a group of eleven.

So, in this realization, I have decided to let go. Make decisions when I can, and otherwise try and go with the flow. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I'm going to develop OCD. For real.

I think I'll start focusing on my part in the big picture. Starting with looking for a more concrete job. Because floating around, although wonderful for getting time off when I want it, isn't good for me. I don't feel productive. I just feel busy.

Mental Repeat..

thought i would share.

life on repeat...

Sometimes people come back into your life, and it's a beautiful thing. Sometimes, it's not. This time, it's not. Parts of my past which I thought had faded away have reappeared. And I'm pretty sure there is a conspiracy to starve me out of this town. I know to many of you, this makes no sense. But to some, you understand.



I've wanted to move out of this town for well over a year now, but have lingered on. Partly because it takes less effort to stay, but mostly because I love a boy. But with bad memories lurking around every corner, I feel my time here is rapidly coming to an end. And I'm okay with that. Most days I can't wait for my lease to come to a close. But it also means I will have to leave things behind. Memories. A home. And probably a boy. For a while anyway. But I am excited to move nearer to dear friends. Friends I miss everyday. Friends I want to have lunch with, or just a cup of coffee. Friends that have shaped me into the person I am today. People who I am much better off for knowing.



Much has happened this week. A trip with friends has been planned. With only a day and half left until it commenses. And it couldn't have come at a better time. That's for certain...



Hearts and stars. Bubbles and Gumdrops.







I have some LOTR to finish.... Peace.

Productive is my Middle Name

Patrick is in California (Morgan Hill, specifically) for the week (learning about and test riding bicycles, all expenses paid, AND he's getting a regular paycheck for this "business" trip, but for him it's more like a dream vacation), and while I am super envious, I have decided to fill my days with other activities so I don't turn green. I am, as of this afternoon, working three jobs.

job one: Miyo's on Main- fine szechuan cuisine. some days I serve, some days I manage, most days I don't get paid enough.

job two: 300- a brand new restaurant in the Vista opened by my friends!! not only did a good friend and a former co-worker open this gem together, but it brought my college buddy back to town after a year and a half working in New York ( the state, not the city....Southhampton to be exact).

job three: Black Tie Bartending Services- I found myself working behind a bar in a giant clubhouse on the Saluda River this evening. If you've ever watched the TV show "Weeds", you'll know what I mean when I say I was in Agrestic. It was absurd. five bars, two bands, sushi, panini station, three tables with a flowing fruit display, top shelf liquor, beer, wine. you name it, it was there. and, by far, the easiest of the three jobs.

I have much more work to look forward to the rest of the week. But I feel guilty leaving Brodie alone for so much of the week without Pat to play with. I think I'll let him sleep in the bed with me tonight. And hopefully I can secure a play date for him tomorrow. But right now he's waiting patiently for me to play fetch.... so I guess more later.

Life on a Stand Still.

I don't blog frequently. And most times when I think of this place, the delete button comes to mind. My life is not exciting, I'm not traveling to Ireland or Morocco, I'm not driving 'cross country, I'm not expressing pain or distress in my online journal, I'm not keeping my family up to day with the family I've started, I'm just here, trying to figure out what to do with myself, and most days, nothing comes to mind.

There have been some minor changes. I started a new job. But an still working the old one, too. My friends have opened a restaurant, http://vistaeventsonline.com/300.html, and I am helping in the opening process. Yesterday was the official first day, it was a bit slow, but it gave us some extra time to continue organizing the space and working out kinks. Today, however, I stayed home because I'm sick. And my voice keeps fading in and out. Not appealing coming from someone bringing you your food. But I have to work my other job this evening, yet my voice doesn't seem to want to get any better.

I am currently trying to save up some money, to do something fun. Hopefully New York in January, we shall see. But saving is hard. Even harder when you have to take two days off of work due to illness, and you buy new pants... My bank account is dangerously low, but I'm trying to shave off unneccesary expenses and not touch my happy trip money that I have already out aside.

I'm currently rewatching all the episodes of Gilmore Girls. I'm up to season five. I have no cable, so I watch a LOT of movies, and TV on DVDs, and surf the internet a great deal, and occasionally read (currently: Washington Square by Henry James), and play with the dog.

Brodie is getting so big, and he's getting much better at the house training thing, he just hasn't figured out how to tell me it's time to go out. But he had surgery last week, so there will never be baby Brodies. He is currently eating a leaf on the front deck (that he ripped out of my peace lily) and occasionally barking at squirrels, or passing cars, or passers by walking their dogs.

On a completely different front, Patrick bought a new bike. Actually, he had a new bike, that he sold a couple weeks ago, then he broke the frame of his track bike. Meaning the remaining bike got altered into a track style bike and he felt that he should purchase a new one, to replace the one he sold, and the one that broke. It's a very expensive bike. When we walked into the bike shop to look at it the other day, the entire staff was standing around it, marvelling at it's beauty....

don't you worry, trusty viewers, there will be pictures forthcoming.

It's hot out...

So we got Brodie a haircut. They asked me if I wanted him shaved. I said yes. They asked again. I said yes. Then they called before they did it. I still said yes.... maybe I should have thought that through...

They left him fuzzy faced and tailed. And he lost about 75% of his bulk. And did I mention he kind of looks like a Bobble-head?? But, he likes being outside more. He actually plays instead of laying in the grass panting. And he chews on everything. Mostly his toys, but sometimes my shoes. And he knows what the puppy pad is for, but he rebels none-the-less. I don't even have to say anything to him, just walk in the room after he's done it, and he hides under the couch... it's frustrating...

But on the bright side, he has learned how to fetch very quickly so playing is easier for me, so we do it longer. And today he watched himself in the mirror. He was weary of the creature across the room. Everytime it moved, he would stare it down (and it would return the glare), then we would sniff the air. It was adorable.

So via request from Christy.....

Happy Birthday to Me.

His name is Brodie.

He's seven weeks old today.

I love him.

My Name Sake

I missed her the moment I heard she had collapsed. I'm angry at myself for not taking a picture with her Sunday. I'm angry this happened before our lunch date. I'm angry my family can't get along. I'm angry they aren't respectful of each other. I'm angry she had to accept her children would never be a family.

I always pictured her there for my wedding. I always knew she'd be the perfect great-grandma to my children. I'm glad she was completely satisfied with her life. She told me on our last day together that she was 91 years old. And she had done some of it all. She said it with a look of contentment. And she had.

She's been such a huge part of my life. From picking me up from elementary school, taking care of me when my parents split up, taught me how to make banana pudding, she was there when I was getting ready for my senior prom. She's been there for 22 birthdays. Bought me groceries when I had a falling out with my dad in college.

She's no longer there to give me advice about boys. Telling me to hold my head up high after a painful break up. Assuring me that one day he would regret it. She's no longer there to tell me jokes or tell me the same stories over and over until we're in tears from laughter.

She's been telling me for years to get use to the idea that she wouldn't be around one day. I just never thought it would be this hard when it happened.

(this has been sittin in my draft file for a month, but i finally found a picture worth posting.)

On the Road Again...

The trip thus far has been amazing!!! It has, however, required much patience on both mine and Patrick's behalves. He has been the primary driver since we took his vehicle and I can barely drive a manual. After several hours of driving, he decided he had had enough and I could either suck it up and get behind the wheel, or I could wait in the car while he took a nap... Needless to say, I decided to drive. And it was a bit of a disaster.

In a very nervous state I pulled out of the gas station and started, very timidly, to drive away. All of a sudden I hear a clattering noise with what sounded like something falling off the top of the car. I immediately freaked out trying to figure out what it was while Patrick reassured me not to worry about it and to just pay attention to the road. About a mile down the road, it finally dawned on him what the clattering noise was... his glasses falling off the roof. By the time we got back (after I stalled out the car and it sounded like it was falling apart), we found the glasses completely smashed into the asphalt. So he had to continue the remainder of the trip slightly blind. Great,

We finally reached Richmond, VA where I drove through the city, terrified to try and stop the car. Once we got to a safer looking area for me to attempt to stop the car, we switched places and he drove around the more historic parts of town (I was looking at all the old pretty houses, while he was checking out everyone's bicycles). We finally found a hotel, checked in, showered and headed out to Carytown to find some dinner. We dined outside on the sidewalk at a little place called Weezie's. Patrick to our waitress: "Umm, are we still south enough to have Sweet Tea??"

The following day was filled with much driving. Through Maryland, Delaware, up the New Jersey Turnpike and into New York City. I drove through my first toll (there were Many to follow, and I officially hate toll booths!) New Jersey had cheap gas at only $3.17!! By the time we reached NYC it was much later than we had anticipated so we jetted to the hotel, checked in, secured a place for the car, changed clothes and hailed a taxi to take us to the theatre.

RENT was everything I had hoped for and more. I found it difficult not to sing out loud along with the songs!! Patrick bought us some very expensive, very tiny plastic glasses of white wine in celebration of our very first date one year ago. He's quite the romantic. During the intermission this British couple who were sitting beside us dumped my wine on me, but I didn't care. (And I did it to myself later so it was okay.)

After the show, we wandered around Times Square. I'm still amazed by the magnitude of it all!! We bought a couple of souvenirs (for my shot glass collection). Then we had pizza, because I feel like you sould have pizza in New York. It was tasty. Probably more because I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast...but who knows. Afterwards, we went back to the hotel and curled up in our Junior Suite (we were upgraded upon arrival for some reason). It was lovely. And probably the best nights sleep I got on the whole trip.

Monday morning, we got up, checked out, had the hotel check our bags then headed out into the city. First we had breakfast, then we walked several blocks to the Empire State Building. It was pretty early, and very foggy, so we were able to get to the top in no time flat. When we reached the 87th floor there was limited visibility, but soon it cleared up and you could see everything!! All the way up to Central Park, over in Brooklyn and NJ. It was crazy!!

Afterwards, we decided to do a Hop on, Hop off tour that took us all over Lower Manhattan. We stopped at the South Street Seaport where we had a Nathan's Famous Hotdog and took pictures of the Brooklyn Bridge. We then loaded back onto the bus to continue the tour. Onward to Central Park.. or so we thought. Apparently we got on the wrong bus and ended up in Brooklyn instead. Which we didn't pay for, nor did we have any real desire to go over that way. We were trapped on that bus for about an hour and a half!! And unfortunately, missed the opportunity to go to Central Park at all. Oh well, maybe next time. We did, however, get back in time to see Rockafeller Center and the Waldorf-Astoria (which I thought was neat, being an HRTM major and all).

We then proceeded to book it back to the hotel, get the car and head out of the city towards New Haven, CT. We met up with Adam Cullum and Laura, had dinner and crashed at their place for the evening. The next morning, we went onto the Yale Campus were a saw a massive blow up Bulldog and went to the Post Office. We had originally planned to spend the next day with Adam and check out the campus, but that didn't end up happening.

We drove on to Boston where we had no plan (which was stupid on my part, I need some kind of starting plan). So we ate lunch at a pier overlooking the fish market and surrounding ports, got lost in South Boston, got frustrated in downtown Boston when we couldn't go see where the Tea Party took place due to heavy construction and closed bridges. So we left the city out of frustration, hopped on the Massachusettes Turnpike and set up shop in a rest area with Wi-FI. During this stop, I bought a 2008 US Atlas (which has brought me much peace of mind since) and we decided not to return to Connecticut, but to instead, drive west. Onward to Niagra Falls.

We drove (and by we I mean Patrick) through Mass. and New York where we stopped over night in Utica?? Finally, we reached the falls mid-afternoon Wednesday. It was beautiful! And sadly, to early in the season to be able to ride the Maid of the Mist (no reliving Bruce Almighty for me..)

We did decide we would do it next time when I go with my mother. Because she was real jealous when I told her...

Since the Falls we have been on a path headed home. Filled with much less excitement. Well, unless I'm behind the wheel. It was smooth sailing when Patrick was driving, but as soon as we switched, we came upon some crazy construction where we went the wrong way and ended up in downtown Pittsburg!!! As soon as the buildings came into sight, the roads started merging and traffic appeared, there were crazy bridges everywhere, and I freaked out!! I mean come on!! I'm in a car I can barely drive, so lots of traffic freaks me out pretty hardcore... I finally just stopped at a light and we switched places (thank God!) and Patty got us out of that mess I had created....

Our goal was to hit WV before we stopped, which we succeeded in. There were many stops in PA searching for a shot glass for my collection ( all fruitless attempts...) They don't care about my memories... Stupid! Now we are finally on what I hope will be the final stretch home... Still in West Virginia, and MANY more miles to go.... but I'm looking forward to being home again. Mostly because I can't stand being in the car any longer!!! Bah!!

PS. We had Original Buffalo Wings from the Anchor Bar in Buffalo!!! (they were amazing!)

PPS. I'm finally home... making dinner for Patrick's fam. and mine tomorrow... Yay!

"Measure in Love"

I'm going to New York!!! In less than a week!!

No Spring Break for me...

It is officially USC's Spring Break. But since I am no longer in college (sad.) I do not get to celebrate the joy of spring in a week long vacation to exotic and exciting destinations. Instead, I will be slaving away at work, serving the working class and a few of the left over, non-spring breakers...
I have eight whole shifts all to my own this week. woo... And I get the joy and privilege of working not only Friday evening, but also Saturday. So I guess a shortened St. Patty's celebration for me also. I'm not going to really complain yet. I'll let you know at the end of the week when I tally how much I've made, and can make a clear decision as to whether this is all going to be worth it. I have a feeling, though, that being on a cruise or sightseeing in the Grecian Islands is still going to be preferable... Oh well. Maybe next year. I'll have a real job. And paid vacation... A girl can hope can't she???

Btw. I cut my hair. It's kinda short. But for now I think I will enjoy my half day off... as it will be a rarity this week...

"Poor Unfortunate Souls..."

This week went by very quickly and was a little spastic and stressful.

But it's the weekend and I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm gonna sit here with my Jose and Diet. Stalk people via the internet. Wait for Maggie to arrive. And go out dancing.... Yay.

Hey Jude...

Today was good. And uber busy. ..

I woke up earlier than I would have liked. Ran many errands with Patrick. Went to fetch his brother from Irmo. Cooked for 20 people. Participated in an alley cat (I was a checkpoint, but that totally counts...) Hung out with my sister. Met up with Erin. Bumped into Wizzy. Had dinner @ Miyo's where we were basically kicked out of our table by a neighboring group. Got coffee (Starbuck's layout has changed, and it's stupid.) Ran into Tim. Returned Erin to the Cow car. Had hot chai tea with Tim and a young Russian playing pretty music at me (being serenaded is lovely, it should happen more frequently.) Spent some QT with Wizzy. Returned home. Made up the couch for Eric. Blogged... whew. Busy, but wonderful.


Btw. I want to move to Portland, Oregon. And Seattle. But I have to wait two years for Seattle so Ernie and Matt can come too.... You should bring happiness with you if you are going to move to Seattle I think. It rains a lot there. And that can get depressing... Goodnight...

"Just for now.....get me out of here"

"Leave all our hopelessnesses aside...
Just for a little while, Tears stop right here,
I know we've all had a bumpy ride.."
-Imogen Heap

Life is hard, and it hurts. People who love you ultimately hurt you. Is that being pessimistic, or is it just the nature of the beast? Because really, only those that you love can really get to you in order to cause any pain. What do you do?? Forgive them for their wrongdoing?? God tells you to forgive and forget. But is it really that easy? It's hard to forgive. Harder so to forget. But can we afford not to??

"Bite tongue, deep breathe, count to ten nod your head.."

I wish life was easier. I wish answers were easier to find. I'm told to ask the Lord and he'll answer. But it's hard to not have instant gratification. But then again, maybe that's why we are blessed with friends. Someone who is tangible. And, at times, a messenger of God's words.

A big part of me wants to be the forgiving being that I know I should be. Another part desires to be angry. To throw things and hit someone. "Here hit Weezer..."
Is there a point where you don't give someone a second chance? Are there unforgivable crimes? Or do you forgive everything, every wrongdoing? That seems hard. But I really want to forgive and move forward...

"All that I know is I'm breathing, all I can do is keep breathing,
All we can do is keep breathing...."
-Ingrid Michaelson

"The dust has only just begun to form..."

"Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me 'round again, and rub my eyes,
This can't be happening..."

I was told today that my "laugh was contagious." It was from a lady having dinner with her husband. And it made my whole day happy.

I think back to days long ago, well as long ago as they can be in my relatively short life... Back to days when I was a lot less happy and easy going than I am now. And I hated people telling me that I was abrasive and other unflattering adjectives. So it was a pure joy for a complete stranger to tell me that I spread happiness. I think I love her...

On a less optimistic note, I was told some news today that's been a bit hard to swallow. It's always hard when people in your life move on. They go in their own direction, leaving you to your own path. And lives that were once so intertwined drift apart and become so separate, it's hard for others to imagine they were, at one point, almost one existence.

"Oily marks appear on walls,
where pleasure moment hung before..."

I know it's ridiculous, but I hate it when people move on. Not that I wish people don't go forward with their lives, I just hate not being a part of it. But I guess in order to expand your horizons, meet new people who introduce new ideas that ultimately shape who you will become. I guess in order to accomplish all this, and get everything that life has to offer. You have to have a past to gain perspective from. It's just that it's so difficult to let things go into the realm of "the past."

Maybe this doesn't even make sense to anyone except myself. It's just me trying to make some sense of life.

"Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you,
You don't care a bit. No, you don't care a bit"
-Imogen Heap

"But I'd like some extra spare time..."

Today was my first day of work. It went well. I ran food mostly and helped Michelle bus tables with it got really busy. She seemed to be pleased with me, which is good. I got complimented, whew... I then preceded to stare at the computer screen and learn the POS system. That part was uber boring.

I then got a free house salad and cold noodles. It was tastey, and did I mention free??

I walked in the rain today, with no shoes. It was cold. And my hair is no longer straight. But I was afraid my shoes wouldn't dry by tomorrow, so barefooted it was... Matt would be so proud..

Afterwards, Patrick and I went to Publix for some chocolate Soy milk. As we were walking down the aisle this lady passing by told us we were "a cute couple." :) Happy. It was very sweet of her, and kinda made me blush...

My head hurts now, so I think I'll take a nap while Patrick builds a table for his "bike shoppe." It's real cute that he has his own space for his hobby now. A space aside from the corner in the washroom... I think he's worked on some bike or another for a few hours everyday since Sunday. And the amount of parts and even whole bikes has multiplied... Soon, we are gonna have to get him an extra building for all that stuff...

"Staying home can't be that bad for me...
But the bills keep changing colors.."
-Rilo Kiley

"I cannot sleep with these thoughts running through my mind...."

This weekend was pretty good. I spent the entirety of it cooking and planning for my grandmother's ninety-first birthday! Yay! My whole family was there, with the exception of my father. It was great because that hasn't happened in years... Seriously. Everything went pretty well. Until I returned to Columbia and received a text message from my dad. He was mad and decided he didn't want me in his life anymore.... Yea.... It's okay though, this is the third time he's done this in the last four years. But enough about that.

I have an interview at Miyo's tomorrow. I have been advised a few times that I should seek employment elsewhere, but I have bills and am almost completely out of money. So I must take whatever I can get at this point. I think I may attend the job fair in later this month and see what I can come up with.

On a happy note, I have a living room now!! It's very exciting. I am currently sitting on the couch, laptop in hand in front of the TV while Patrick bangs on his bicycles behind me. He now has his very own space for his most prized hobby. It makes me happy. We have a smaller room now, but a Much larger closet. Now I can hide my mess better. I also spent a good bit of time purging my closet and accessories today. I get told on a regular basis that I have too much stuff. This is the third time I will be taking a trip to the Goodwill to donate unused and unloved items. Patrick is slowly breaking of my need to be a pack rat, which is good because no one needs to have this much crap. I should have figured this out after moving in August. At least this time I will have less stuff.... Okay, well maybe not less, but at least everything I will have will be needed more. I hope.

"My head is racing and I'm worn thin...
But I know you will pick me up again..."
-Leslie Dudney

"Hello it's me again...."

"A whole lot's changed since I left and, I don't know, I guess I felt like checking in...."

I've been a little MIA lately. Trying to figure out what to do with your life is very time consuming. Although the search is by no way concluded, at least now we have a laptop that I can take to my coffee world for blogging and other such things. So for an update:

Trip is moving out and we will have a living room once again.

Patrick helped me pick out a bicycle! It's pretty. And blue!

I am currently looking for a job, both for now and as a career. I have applied to some restaurants figuring that would help me get some cash and pay bills until August. And I'm looking for a career to start that is preferably located elsewhere after my lease runs out. I have a unique job proposition Summer found that I think I'll look into. It's in Charlotte.

I need to find other things to do with my time. I think finding a new job will help, at the least I'll have other people to talk to, unlike my latest job. Maybe I'll find somewhere to volunteer or some kind of class to take. I'm thinking about taking the cake decorating class at Hobby Lobby...We'll see, I need to find a work schedule first though!

On a happier note, we are having a small family party for my grandma this weekend, she'll be 91. On groundhogs day. Most of my family is going to be there, so I'm really excited about it.

Hopefully, I can get Wednesday free because E is gonna come visit!! Yay!
That's all I have right now....I gotta go have some bonding time with Trip before he leaves...

I will return. Hopefully sooner than later....

"I don't know I guess I think about you all the time..."
-Schuyler Fisk