Laugh and Keep on Moving.

you know, sometimes being single is freakin' awesome. no one to worry about. you can flirt with men if you want. you can decide what you want for dinner without taking someone else into account. it's basically all about you and what you want all the time. and it's kind of fantastic.

but then, there are the occasional moments when the steamroller of life has been chasing you for weeks and it finally catches up to you. and when it does, you say, well shit... it sure would be nice to have someone around to depend on. someone to help pick up the slack. someone to help you get your car from the towing company. someone to wait for the exterminator so you don't have to wait an extra week. someone to help you poison your ant infested car and vacuum out all the dead bodies. someone to just give you a hug after you burst into tears at the car wash because you've spent the last two hours during the hottest part of the day killing ants that seem to come from some infinite source and all you wanted was a bottle of water but the vending machine ate your last dollar and when you finally broke down, the only one around to comfort you was a little homeless man walking down the street who stops and asks if you are okay....

that is when you say... oh yeah, this is why we put ourselves in the line of fire and trust men. because sometimes being independent is a little too taxing. and maybe, just maybe, it's worth the risk to let someone in if it means you won't be completely alone all the time.

just a thought for the day. and don't feel bad for me. because mostly, i find all the ridiculous stuff in my life extremely comical. i think i might write a little movie of my life. it'll probably be a romantic comedy. (and stealing the tag line from the new movie "(500) days of summer") "this is not a love story. it is a story about love." because that sums up my life... 

"His giant ambling confidence hushes down all my inherent nervousness and reminds me that everything really is going to be OK.  (And if not OK, then at least comic.)..."

-Eat. Pray. Love.

Ramblings.

favorite quote of the day brought to us by the lovely lindsey:

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. 

-buddha

p.s. i need to learn to go home earlier. true story.

there's only us.

"without you the earth turns, the sun burns, but i die without you.

... without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.

without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe

the mind churns, the heart yearns, the tears dry. without you.

life goes on, but i'm gone 'cause i die without you."

some days i feel like this. and i wish it would go away. it usually catches me off guard. one minute i'm fine, i'm laughing, i feel happy. then i turn the corner and heartbreak is waiting for me. i wish it would leave me alone. i don't want to feel it anymore.  i don't want to know that he misses me. i don't want to know that leaving me is the hardest thing he's ever done. it doesn't make me feel better. it only rips the wound open all over again. i want to feel nothing.

and the saga continues...

my apartment is under construction due to a slow leak in the plumbing that has rotted out a very important load bearing beam. awesome. what makes this so hilarious is that i told the property manager MONTHS ago that there was a leak behind the shower and the floor was getting severe water damage. did they take me seriously?? absolutely not. they sent someone down to snake out the pipes. because apparently that makes sense.  

so finally the actual owner of the property came by and i showed her what i was talking about and she got a plumber who found the damage to the beam. they then told me they were going to have to do some work and i would lose water for a couple days. but they were going to give me a key to a unit across the street so i could shower (i guess they didn't take into consideration that i might have to potty in the middle of the night...)

8am yesterday morning, the sledgehammers showed up and demolished my bathroom (because apparently the damage was severe to both mine and my neighbor's units, and we are getting brand new bathrooms!!! oh wait, i move out in about two months!! so not worth it.) and when they guys showed up at 8, i was in the bed with a fever (possible the swine flu). 

i go to work an hour and a half early to escape the banging, only to find (well after i had been there) that i wasn't on the schedule. great. so i go home to get brodie and decide to spend the day at my sister's instead of amongst the construction.  when i arrive at my apartment, the bathroom is gone. there is no floor. i can see the dirt below. sweet.

needless to say, i decided to crash at rebecca's. so after work today i decide to go by my apartment to pick up some clothes where i find that i now no longer have a hallway!!!!! that's right folks, there is now one small and scary wooden plank connecting my living room to my bedroom. and if i was a big fat fatty, i wouldn't have been able to cross that tiny threshold. WTF were these people thinking?!?! did they seriously think i was going to be able to live in this disaster?? in a house where i can't even get to my bedroom? my couch is covered with all the things that were in my bathroom, and all of that is coated in dust. REALLY?????

i have put up with a helluva lot over the last few months. and i've managed to still be put together, a little sad at times, a little self-pitying, but still okay. but this is the last freaking straw! i am pissed. i am not finding the freaking silver lining! my life is a giant practical joke, and it's been okay, and i've been able to find the humor and laugh (because really, what else can i do), but this is hitting a point beyond absurd. my house is a death trap and they think i'm suppose to just stay there?? i'm just suppose to shimmy along the wall in the dead of night trying not to fall in the hole where my floor use to be, go down and across the street in my pjs to use the bathroom in the middle of the night?? really?? come on!

"...all the pain of a human life is caused by words, as is all the joy.  We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash.  We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure... I'm lonely... I'm a failure... I'm lonely...) and we become monuments to them."

i have to change my "mantra." i'm bring myself down, and i'm driving people away with my poor attitude.  i am pretty.  i am loved.  i am a catch. these are my new words.  they feel strange on my tongue. but i believe in the power of repetition and persuasion.  for the first time in nearly 24 years i actually find truth in those words.  it is a big deal, a HUGE deal, for me to be able to say those words to myself.  it's an iron man marathon to be able to say those words to others.  but it's where i have to start. i have to project positivity and happiness until it washes over me and becomes my reality. my continuous reality.  so step one: find a positive and uplifting mantra and repeat it daily. several times each day.  step two: project sunshine.  i bought some new clothes that are smaller (due to the rest weight loss!) they are hot pink and highlighter yellow. they are happy. i want to be a ray of glorious color like these clothes.  so i'm putting them on. thank you.

i can't control much in this crazy world. i can't make things happen the way i want. i can't make people love me anymore than i can cause rain to fall.  so i'm going to control the only things in my power, my attitude, and i'm going to leave the rest to god.  and at worst, i'm going to keep my complaining and sadness down to a minimum, because i know it wears other's down and i don't want to be the cause of frustration to those i care about and love.  

this is all a tall order.  basically changing the way i have perceived myself the entirety of my life. but it's time.  "you shall love your neighbor as yourself" ... i have to figure out how to love myself first. because i've always loved my neighbor more than i have my own self.  and i think that should be a commandment. because if you can't love yourself, where does that leave your poor neighbor?? sad.

Because my momma told me share...

this is dedicated to the two lovely ladies traveling around the south from charleston to new orleans. leaving a little joy for someone to find along their way. happy guerilla art.

Number One.

"Outside Atlanta"

"Tuscaloosa"

"Green cupcake because Kermit the Frog is from Mississippi!"

a little thank you note to a kind friend.

Happy Monday. Happy Cupcakes.

i am a roller coaster of emotions..

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

"we bend, we break, we just can't stand it..."

"'Cuz everybody knows there's no solution, not everybody gets what they would like. I don't wanna be in this place forever, I don't wanna be here for tonight... If you want to go that's your decision, I've never been the one that said 'goodbye'."


it's impossible for me to tell people goodbye. it's never been something i was able to do. most of my friends i've had forever, and plan on keeping them that way. but i think, maybe, sometimes, some people need to be let go. it hurts. i don't like it. but i think for now it might be the best decision for me.

on a happier note. i got back into school. i will start in the fall, providing everything works out and i can find the money. i feel as if i at least have a purpose now. and this is the first good thing that has come from this break-up. i decided when we split i had to find something to do. some goal. a direction for my life. and i decided to go back to school. it's what i want. i think i'm ready to learn again. i'm ready to find the person i'm meant to be. i'm ready to use my biggest asset, my ability to give until exhaustion. and i know if we hadn't split, i wouldn't have felt pushed to do something, anything. i would have sat in my little nest where it was easy and comfortable, making both of us more miserable than need be.

someone told me today that things would only get better from here. each day would be easier, more fulfilled. i appreciate that. i just hope he was right.

ps. i would like new music. healing music. inspiring music. thankyou.

i am a little saddened that i won't be able to be with my friends in charleston, what with going back to school. it makes me very sad. but i also noticed today (when i spent five hours in cool beans) that i actually know a lot of people in columbia. not have a lot of good friends, but i have a lot of acquaintances. that made me happy.

one day at a time

"I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner, and everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner..."

the last few weeks have been hard, impossibly hard. in an effort to keep the pain at a distance, i have taken to partying, a lot. maybe not the most amazing decision, but it's better than all the other things that happen, and all the other ways i feel when i'm alone. on a happier note, i am making a lot of new friends, friends that come and sit with me, drink some wine and watch movies when it's too hard to be in my apartment alone. friends who take me out dancing when i don't want to hear my own thoughts anymore (we stand directly beside the speaker, no arrant thoughts could possibly enter above that noise, ha.) friends who remind me that although i feel like crap, feel completely worthless and unloveable, that i'm actually pretty awesome. (i know it's hard to be someone's self esteem for them, so to these people i greatly appreciate it. you're words are what keep me out of a dark hole.)

i'm ready for a move. specifically out of this apartment which oozes patrick. every wall, every doorway, every picture hung, every piece of furniture, makes me think of him. it's very taxing. so in an effort to change what i could, i have rearranged the entire apartment. flipped everything around in an attempt to make it feel less like "our" home and more like mine. i get to move mid-july. i have secured roommates, we are searching for places as we speak. somewhere with a yard for brodie. somewhere close to campus (hopefully in the fall we will all be heading back... the jury is still out on that). somewhere that is party friendly. these thoughts give me a goal and make it a little easier. however, if i don't get back into school, maybe i'll just flea columbia entirely. run away to san diego with ann marie. or finally make it down to charleston with erin and kt. either way, a drastic change is needed. i hope mostly for school, and continuing to develop the friendships i have recently made. we shall see.

A stolen idea from Bridget Jones:
Number of cigarettes: 2
Number of pounds lost: 7
Number of boyfriends: 0


"I don't know what's right and what's real anymore. I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore. When do you think it'll all become clear. 'Cuz I'm being taken over by the fear..."

I am the worst. yes, yes I am.

i'm the world's worst blogger. sometimes i'm too busy. sometimes i have nothing to say. sometimes i have too much to say that it overwhelms me, therefore i don't do it. sometimes i feel like i need to have photographs to keep it interesting, so i don't. sometimes it's just because stalking people is preferable. you name it, and i'll use it.

so in order to update anyone who may still be looking in:

- i am very recently single. it was my choice to end a two year relationship. he moved out. it was hard. we are still friends. and i still love him. and no i don't want to talk about it.

- i saw ex #1 for the first time in several months this weekend. before i went, i prayed to god to help me through it (literally). which isn't something i do frequently. but i was calm, cool and collected when he and his new girlfriend came to meet with me. it went very well. the girlfriend hugged me when we parted ways (it was nice, but a little too much for me).

-i have taken to smoking recently, which baffles some of my long-time friends. i don't do it frequently, only if i'm super stressed. and i've had the same pack for three weeks now. so i don't think it's a problem

- i want a tattoo and tried three times this weekend to get one. there either wasn't enough time, or places were closed. but i'm going tomorrow afternoon. hopefully everything goes my way.

- i am trying to go back to school for public health. i want to work someone outside of the US. possibly africa. but i haven't heard from the school. nor do i know if i could get enough money from loans and the gov't to actually go. we shall see. feel free to pray for that, or will it to happen (depending on your personal belief system, whatever you have to offer i will gladly take. thank you).

- i got a MacBook as a present to myself for all the long hours i do. thank you tax refund.

-my knee is nearly healed from a spill i took on the charleston sidewalks. thank you, firefly mint tea vodka.

- i have resumed my pescetarian diet. i'm happier this way. weight lowers this way. (of course, that could be the whole single thing also). so please don't invite me over for steak and potatoes (and yes, that happened recently)

- i am inspired by all the people being physically fit in my life. (erin, summer, and the NC cousins. i was actually getting on the bandwagon until i fell. as soon as i'm healed i plan to resume.

i guess that's about all for now... oh yeah. i'm currently reading "eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert. and i find it interesting that i picked up this book now. i've been wanting to read it for quite a while. but put it off, read something else, whatever the case may be. then i started it, during my break up, and have found a lot of inspiring words from her. basically it came into my life at the perfect time...

"When I get lonely these days, I think : So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

ps. i hate capitalizing things. it takes too much effort.