oh life, it's just you again. joy.

me: i just want to love him! why won't he let me?

 Erin: you should ask him THAT

me:  i would sound bat-shit crazy if i asked him that. haha

 Erin:  so? you don't really have anything to lose...

 me:  i guess not. but i think i would just get silence. so what's the point?

 Erin:  knowing that you tried.

and knowing is half the battle

i hate wondering what if

 Erin:  that shit sucks

the imagined never goes away

the actual you can learn to deal with or get over...

but is it really so easy?? to just say it, just put it out there, make yourself that intensely vulnerable? what do you have to lose? the possibility. the hope. maybe it's better to jump in the fire, let it burn if it must. then move forward. oy, could someone else please handle this part of my life? thanks.

The Trouble with Rachel...

After reading a lovely little blog I like to frequent, (curious girl ) I have decided she has the right idea about focusing on your life and the things about you and your character that hold you back from your hearts desires.  As I read Lisa's list, I realized this is a woman in her 40s who finds some of the things that hold her back which are surprisingly similar to the things I find in myself.  So here goes, "the trouble with Rachel..."

1. She is insightful and full of deep thought, which often times comes out in a way that isn't constructive to others but seems more judgmental.  She doesn't know how to take the truth and the insight and present it in a soft way that allows people to really hear her; so what they actually hear is a "know it all bitch who needs to get off her high horse."  She also needs to learn to turn this insight on herself and her own personal life, and truly listen to close friends advice.
2. She has a tendency to "vent" about her problems to just about anyone who will listen; and while this is therapeutic at times, it often makes her seem more of a gossip than she really means to be.
3. She wants to live a healthier lifestyle but is incredibly lazy and will blow off exercise for any little excuse (creating lists, blogging, surfing the internet, shopping, lunch.)
4. She doesn't trust people in general, but specifically men, leaving her heart constantly guarded.  If she let's that guard down, it becomes nearly impossible to let that person go, or to give someone new a chance.
5. She loves to plan and start projects, but she never has any follow through.
6. She allows "fear" to have a huge hand, and typically the deciding vote, in her biggest life decisions. 
7. She needs for all things to be in their place but is also a massive clutter bug.  These things don't go hand in hand and often lead to stress and a feelings of anxiety in her day to day living space.
8. She desperately wants an outlet for her artistic side but is too lazy, scared, unsure, to actually fulfill this passion.

I'm sure at some point I will add to this list (and maybe even be lucky enough to delete) but for now this is what I have. These are some of the things about me that one might consider flaws.  I'm  not saying it's all bad stuff, but you know... all things in moderation.

24 Things To Do Before I Turn 25

ok, so this is a borrowed idea from a lovely lady out in Portland. (hula  )  and although this list isn't particularly large, i also only have six months it i plan to have it completed by my 25th birthday. which is in july. the start of july actually. so here goes

24 Things to do Before I turn 25

1. move to NYC with ann marie.

2. paint a canvas.

3. purge my belongings and sell the lot

4. go to a live play

5. see a concert

6. make a snowball

7. complete a long overdue handmade gift

8. bake a cake

9. throw a themed party with food

10. obtain a camera and learn basic photography

11. manage something

12. create 52 blog entries

13. leave the country

14. spend an entire day volunteering

15. practice yoga

16. play an entire song on the piano from memory

17. put my feet in an ocean that isn't the Atlantic

18. attend a local art show

19. go to a flea market and find one fabulous something

20. go skating, whether it be roller or ice

21. read four books

22. create and fill a "quote jar"

23. spend an entire day laying in the warm grass with a book, some music and a picnic

24. refinish my kitchen table

tall order? perhaps.

This Year in Review

2009 was not always good to me. actually, 2009 was mostly unpleasant.  but what i found out today (thank you facebook) is i was apparently pretty optimistic and positive this year (my most frequently used word was "happy"). so i decided to make a list of some of the things 2009 brought that were good. things that made it all worth it..

1. Dancing into oblivion with music so loud you can't think with a new friend.

2. Getting my first tattoo designed by my best friend.

3. Living a few glorious months with one of my favorite people in the world.

4. Meeting one of the best friends I have ever had.

5. Many summer evenings with a magical group of people. Taco Tuesdays. Brewery Night. Friday Dancing. Chicken and Waffles.

6. Four birthday celebrations in my honor.

7. Nights spent in Charleston with friends whom I miss every day.

8. Road trips to Charlotte. IKEA. Trader Joe's. Michael Jackson.

9. Beards.

10. Finding confidence.

11. Halloween. Part One. Part Two.

12. Mountain Weekend '09

13. A pterodactyl of Fall Music Mixes.

Odds - MUTEMATH

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea ...

Fables - The Dodos

14. Happy friends and their engagements.

15. Christmas Vacation in sketchy places.

16. New Year's Eve Celebrations. Part One. RENT drinking games. Part Two. Champagne and Dancing.

17. Leaving the year in a happier place than it started.