Thursday, May 28, 2009

there's only us.

"without you the earth turns, the sun burns, but i die without you.
... without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe
the mind churns, the heart yearns, the tears dry. without you.
life goes on, but i'm gone 'cause i die without you."

some days i feel like this. and i wish it would go away. it usually catches me off guard. one minute i'm fine, i'm laughing, i feel happy. then i turn the corner and heartbreak is waiting for me. i wish it would leave me alone. i don't want to feel it anymore.  i don't want to know that he misses me. i don't want to know that leaving me is the hardest thing he's ever done. it doesn't make me feel better. it only rips the wound open all over again. i want to feel nothing.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

and the saga continues...

my apartment is under construction due to a slow leak in the plumbing that has rotted out a very important load bearing beam. awesome. what makes this so hilarious is that i told the property manager MONTHS ago that there was a leak behind the shower and the floor was getting severe water damage. did they take me seriously?? absolutely not. they sent someone down to snake out the pipes. because apparently that makes sense.  

so finally the actual owner of the property came by and i showed her what i was talking about and she got a plumber who found the damage to the beam. they then told me they were going to have to do some work and i would lose water for a couple days. but they were going to give me a key to a unit across the street so i could shower (i guess they didn't take into consideration that i might have to potty in the middle of the night...)

8am yesterday morning, the sledgehammers showed up and demolished my bathroom (because apparently the damage was severe to both mine and my neighbor's units, and we are getting brand new bathrooms!!! oh wait, i move out in about two months!! so not worth it.) and when they guys showed up at 8, i was in the bed with a fever (possible the swine flu). 

i go to work an hour and a half early to escape the banging, only to find (well after i had been there) that i wasn't on the schedule. great. so i go home to get brodie and decide to spend the day at my sister's instead of amongst the construction.  when i arrive at my apartment, the bathroom is gone. there is no floor. i can see the dirt below. sweet.

needless to say, i decided to crash at rebecca's. so after work today i decide to go by my apartment to pick up some clothes where i find that i now no longer have a hallway!!!!! that's right folks, there is now one small and scary wooden plank connecting my living room to my bedroom. and if i was a big fat fatty, i wouldn't have been able to cross that tiny threshold. WTF were these people thinking?!?! did they seriously think i was going to be able to live in this disaster?? in a house where i can't even get to my bedroom? my couch is covered with all the things that were in my bathroom, and all of that is coated in dust. REALLY?????

i have put up with a helluva lot over the last few months. and i've managed to still be put together, a little sad at times, a little self-pitying, but still okay. but this is the last freaking straw! i am pissed. i am not finding the freaking silver lining! my life is a giant practical joke, and it's been okay, and i've been able to find the humor and laugh (because really, what else can i do), but this is hitting a point beyond absurd. my house is a death trap and they think i'm suppose to just stay there?? i'm just suppose to shimmy along the wall in the dead of night trying not to fall in the hole where my floor use to be, go down and across the street in my pjs to use the bathroom in the middle of the night?? really?? come on!

Friday, May 01, 2009

"...all the pain of a human life is caused by words, as is all the joy.  We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash.  We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure... I'm lonely... I'm a failure... I'm lonely...) and we become monuments to them."

i have to change my "mantra." i'm bring myself down, and i'm driving people away with my poor attitude.  i am pretty.  i am loved.  i am a catch. these are my new words.  they feel strange on my tongue. but i believe in the power of repetition and persuasion.  for the first time in nearly 24 years i actually find truth in those words.  it is a big deal, a HUGE deal, for me to be able to say those words to myself.  it's an iron man marathon to be able to say those words to others.  but it's where i have to start. i have to project positivity and happiness until it washes over me and becomes my reality. my continuous reality.  so step one: find a positive and uplifting mantra and repeat it daily. several times each day.  step two: project sunshine.  i bought some new clothes that are smaller (due to the rest weight loss!) they are hot pink and highlighter yellow. they are happy. i want to be a ray of glorious color like these clothes.  so i'm putting them on. thank you.

i can't control much in this crazy world. i can't make things happen the way i want. i can't make people love me anymore than i can cause rain to fall.  so i'm going to control the only things in my power, my attitude, and i'm going to leave the rest to god.  and at worst, i'm going to keep my complaining and sadness down to a minimum, because i know it wears other's down and i don't want to be the cause of frustration to those i care about and love.  

this is all a tall order.  basically changing the way i have perceived myself the entirety of my life. but it's time.  "you shall love your neighbor as yourself" ... i have to figure out how to love myself first. because i've always loved my neighbor more than i have my own self.  and i think that should be a commandment. because if you can't love yourself, where does that leave your poor neighbor?? sad.