Everyday, a New Day...

Not the case my friends....Not the case.

Welcome to my world....

Wake up Older

It's summertime. A time for being outside. Doing a whole bunch of nothing. Working. Going to the beach. Spending some much needed down time with Friends. Going to Happy Hour until midnight because there are no other responsibilities. Spending time at home. Visiting those too far away to see on a day to day basis. There are a lot of things I love about the summer. There are a lot of things I love about the summer in this city. (the intense heat in this concrete jungle Not being on the list). But at least we have Fountains....

Erin is suppose to come to Columbia this upcoming weekend. I hope it's true. I miss her. A lot. Maybe there will be some iPop :) or some Slushies.... and lots of Happiness.

Today was filled with work, as usual. But then there was a very entertaining visit to the Goodwill Store. A ride in the first intense summer storm (where I tried to stay out of the rain pouring through the roof). Some tastey nachos. A trip down memory lane (thank you, Julie Roberts). Maybe I'll do laundry later. Probably not.

I'm grumpy. I think I will take a nap.

"I Feel Like a School of Fish..."

These days are precious and few. I love all of them.

I now have a love for Blue Cactus. It was a great meal because it was with good friends. It was shared with more to spare. It was final. It was the first full meal after a week of illness. It was everything wonderful. I'm gonna miss those days. A lot.

I got a job offer, seasonal job, in Montana. I don't know what to do. I would have to leave in two weeks. I'm kinda attached, scared, confused and worried. I wish there was a guide book to life.... It could be amazingly fun. It could suck really badly. I could come back with nothing here. No place to live. No job. No...well, you get the idea. Maybe my mommy will tell me what to do...Okay, that's a copout. I know. Ugg....

I hope to always be a part of a school of fish....

Hello. I love you.

"Well, you sure are beautiful..." this is what some man told me when I was walking out of CVS today. I blushed.

Life is good. I love my friends, they are amazing. Even if I have been a bit flaky lately. I adore them. They are the reason I get up everyday with a smile on my face. And they love me back. I know this because they came to Pint Night because I was having a bad day. I had my own entourage. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

My personal life has gotten a little crazy lately, but good crazy. I don't know what I'll do after this semester ends. The last classes I'll ever sit through. The last time I'll be an undergradate. The end of the best four years of my life. I wish it would last just a little longer. I'm not ready to say goodbye to the people who have shaped who I am, the people who have made me love me. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my city, this city I made my own. I love this city. The noises, the long strolls, the insane number of awesome coffee shops, my horseshoe, the squirrels, the football games, some amazing chefs and teachers, my best friends...I think Columbia will always have a huge chunk of my heart.

At the beginning of this semester I was excited to be done, to leave, to explore new territory. But now I'm having a hard time with the idea of leaving. But I am grateful that Erin helped me see how much I love this place so that I don't miss a moment from now until the end. I wouldn't want to miss these days, they are so dear. Each one I try to be observant of everything so I don't miss anything. And they have all been wonderful.

Tomorrow will be my last day at the McCutchen House. I don't know if I can say goodbye to them. It's were I came into my own. Where I came out of my shell. Where I began to feel worth something. Where I met the most amazing friend I think I may ever have.

Before that will be one of the last breakfasts with IMMAC. I have a feeling there will be tears. Happy reminising, but tears nontheless. Man, life goes by so fast. I can't believe it's been four years. Where did all the time go??

Next week will bring a lot of tearful goodbyes; lots of good nights; lots of joy and sorrow. New steps have to be taken, we can't stay this way forever....

But for now I think I will go spend sometime with my city, some time with the bagel shop kids, and another Thrusday night with Erin and Grey's. Life is good. How did I get this lucky?? Someone must really love me.

"I need some direction. I need someone to listen. Someone to tell me they know..."

"And life's so hard. It's the little things that seem to be getting me today. And life's so hard. But I'm doing what I can not to be getting down. Well, I'm going down in flames. Going down in flames."

the world spins too fast, all i can do is hold on. try not to fall off. i need a chance to breathe. a moment to myself. is this what it is to be grown? does it ever let up? does it ever slow down?

i want to sit in the sun, have no place to be. i want to be outside. spend some time with me. i need a chance to breathe. a moment to myself. is this what it is to be grown? does it ever let up? does it ever slow down?

the days speed by, no time for savoring. there's always somewhere to be. some expectation to fill. i need a chance to breathe. a moment to myself. i don't want to be grown. i want to be free.

"And life's so hard. It's the little things that seem to be saving me today. And life's so hard. And I'm doing what I can. I'm doing what I can... I'm putting out the flames."

I had a dream I could fly...

I played pretend between the trees. And fed my house guests bark
and leaves. And laughed in my pretty bed of green. I had a dream..

Being a good friend is much harder than you would think. Loving unconditionally, that I can do. The hard part comes when you do things for others without expecting anything in return, but do it, rather, because they need it, or will derive joy from it. I love doing things for my friends, but sometimes I expect the same behavior from them and it's just not how it always works. You shouldn't keep count of the wrongs that have been done to you. That is another thing that is super hard to do. Forgiving someone completely requires you to "forget" though, I guess. When it's over, it's over. But too often, when we have done something hurtful to someone and they call us out on it, we tend to bring up things they have done in the past like it jusitfies it, or maybe just makes our actions seem not so terrible. The truth is, we hurt each other, and instead of making excuses we should own up to it and say yeah, that was really crappy of me, and I'm sorry. I've had to do that lately. Say, you know, you're right... I was behaving ridiculously and I apologize. Believe me, it wasn't easy. But it felt good afterwards. For once I felt like I completely meant it, like I took sole responsibility and it was refreshing.

I should give up blogging. I'm so bad at it. Oh, who cares.

I found out something this week. I'm a kayak. A lonely, lonely kayak. Sometimes I feel good about it, like empowered that I can do things on my own. Other times, I just wanna snuggle. It's hard to snuggle by yourself.

I am working every weekend from now until eternity. Let me rephrase that: I am on the work schedule every weekend from now until eternity. I will figure out a way to get out of some of it. I have no desire to work 30hrs a week. And more importantly...I don't have the extra time to commit to working 30 hours a week. Nor do I have the time or sanity to work everyone's Thursdays. It's so aggravating when people act like you have no life or responsibilites outside of a job. I have both, thankyouverymuch.

The career fair is over. Whew. It was rough. It was stressful. It was slightly uplifting. Maybe someone will want to hire me. That would ROCK! Maybe I can move somewhere cool like Chicago or New York (not city) or anywhere as long as it's where I'm supposed to be.

I feel like this year is trucking it at about 100 mph. It's frightening and I desperatly don't want to miss out on any experience. oh well... Sleep is for the week I say.

I was asked what I was giving up for lent. I replied with nothing because it's true. Partly because I don't have many vices and can't think of something to give up. But mostly because I wasn't brought up observing that tradition. What I thought was interesting about this question was the reply I received. It went something like this... ooh, um. okay. I thought you were a good gir....well i mean, i thought you were kinda, um. religious?? It's interesting to hear people's perceptions of who you are. Especially when they haven't taken the time to get to know you. They just assume they know and never question it. Maybe because questions are prying? Maybe they think it's none of their business. Or maybe they are worried about "crossing a line." I don't know, but I do find it terribly fascinating.

Today was a good day. I got some blueberries...I don't know why there is junk food when there are also fresh fruit. It's baffling. I went to the Wired Bean for the first time in about a month. It was tastey. I made dinner and got to use a bright green skillet...lucky! And the new find of the day: Green Tea Vitamin Water. I like it.

Advice of the day: Print on both sides of the paper.

Looks like we're in for warm weather. For the next three billion years.

You've got to chase a dream, one that's all your own...

Sometimes I wonder how it is that I came to be so loved. There are people in my life that are truely amazing, some of them have always been here and only now am I able to fully appreciate how wonderful they are. Others have come recently, and I wonder how I ever survived without their love and support. I don't know what I did to deserve these people, sometimes I think it's truely a fluke, because I don't know that I'm deserving.

Certain individuals have recently inspired me to figure out what I want out of life. And what I've discovered is that I have a huge desire to help other people. I want to make a difference to someone in this world in a huge way. One person, in particular, who I have so much admiration and love for, makes me want to be a better person, more like her, with a heart so big and giving.

This past year (twothousandsix) was pretty brutal. There were more (quantitative) lows that highs. Yet, somehow, as I watched the ball drop and the last moments of the year fade away, I realized that this has been an amazing year. A year filled with, yes pain and anguish, but also new friends, reconnecting with many old friends, and growing closer to existing friends. As 2006 ended, I felt completely satisfied, knowing that, even through all the bad, it was a year that I left in good spirits. Feeling happy and inspired, which is quite the 180 from how this year started. Each day of this new year has been good in it's own way.

"I think 2007 is going to be good to us"

On a lighter note... there is to be a new addition to my personal family. There is no name yet, but she's going to be red and will allow me to carry 7500 people around in my pocket. Happy. She arrives in 2-3 days, thank you e.ellis.
NickelCreek will be stalked in 2007 and I look forward to every heart breaking moment. I'm ready for the beginning to the end to come, in the form of tour dates preferably.
There is a much anticipated trip being planned to TN. This is almost as exciting as stalking NC. Maybe even more if we can somehow combine the two things. That would be spectacular. My favorite band with two of my favorite boys who I know, will enjoy it at least one-third as much as me. During this trip to TN, the largest underground lake will be visited (all 4 acres of it) woo hoo!!

ps. my car loves me, she wrote me a love letter. i think i will treat her with an oil change. the end.