I need to learn when I've had enough...

How do you know when to let something go?? How do you determine when you've exhausted all your options, to insure that you will have no regrets later?? Where is life's guarantee?? Sometimes, I just wanna say "Hey Coach, I need a minute, take me out." just to catch my breath, have a moment, see things from a different view. Maybe that would help me get some perspective, a new way to tackle the problem, or at least help me realize I can't win. Where is life's rule book?? Why can't I Google my problems to find a solution?? That would be much easier, and I feel sure, much less painful. Sometimes life's road feels incredibly lonely... I want answers, or at least some closure.

I'm trying to be postitive, see the glass half full. Sometimes it's hard. I'm not known to be the eternal optimist. But I'm trying nonetheless.


I just wish everything would slow down. It's already November, the semester is nearing it's end and only seems to be speeding up. I just need a moment. A time out. I feel like life is passing me by sometimes, and I don't like it.

I look around, and lately, my life hasn't been going the way I imagined it. In some ways, it's better, in others, it's not. I feel lost a lot. Like I don't know where I'm going, where my ultimate goal to be is, and it's scarey. The things I once counted on aren't as steadfast as they once were. But I feel like I should take that as a sign or message, maybe I'm suppose to be unsure. Maybe I need to runaway and figure out who I am and what I want to do. I want to see things, I've always wanted to travel and see things and experience things. I just never imagined it would have to be alone. I don't know if I'm strong enough or brave enough to do it alone. Alone scares me, but I think staying scares me more.

I'm going to try to stay as sane as i could possibly. Big girls still cry so please be patient with me. It's gonna be alright....

Slow Down you Crazy Child...

Sometimes we let life go by, getting too busy and forgetting to have time for the people and things we love. Too often I've stopped to breathe for a second and realized I've lost touch with some of the most important people in my life. This past weekend I took a trip to Charleston that was filled with coffee, new places, thrift stores, incredibly delicious meals, old soda shops with one of my favorite friends, lots of good conversation, and some much needed catching up. I love Julie, and it upsets me to realize that since we started college, we spend only a couple of hours together each visit, and we only visit each other about four days out of an entire year. No more my friend. The things that are important to you, you make time for.

Here lately, I've been missing some friends, and when I mentioned this to them, they said they had been so busy and were still busy. Me? I figure out what is more important to me, spend an hour with them, or continuing to run around like a chicken with its head cut off... It's not that simple you say. But it is. Life is all about choices, they are yours to make. My goal over this last year: to reconnect with people that once meant the world to me, but time and distance has separated us because I fear that if it's not done now, then it will never happen. After all, we will all be finishing up college soon and be scattered even more than we are presently. So it's now or never!

"You're so ambitious for a juvinelle.... Where's the fire what's the hurry about? You better cool it off before you burn it out, you got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.... You can't be everything you want to be before your time... Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while, it's alright you can afford to lose a day or two... When will you realize, Vienna waits for you."

Life is good. I have the most awesome friends who I absolutely adore. It's fall, and there are sweaters and scarves. There is warm hazelnut espresso. Cold football nights to come. Lake trips to take. Thanksgiving to be celebrated (which is my favorite holiday!). Life has done a complete 180 from last spring. I have so much to be thankful for this Turkey Day!

"Breakfast with you is my favorite thing to do..."

~EGE

I don't want this feeling to go away...

I'm flexible.

Went far away to have coffee tonight. Really I think I was there to keep Erin from studying.

There were new things tonight: Courtney's Coffee Creations (imagine hazelnut and chocolate, yum-o), Sudoku board game, maybe plans for November.

There were old things: the History of the Mint Julep, The Awakening by Kate Chopin

There were things of nostalgia: classic stories of Julie, planned trips to old-fashioned soda shops, and grade school note passing.
All in all, it was a great evening.

Dear Rachel,
Reality has absolutely no place in our world!
-heart- Erin

The Long Morrow...

I want a rocket...

"Somebody Loved..."

This week was filled with wonderful things. Tuesday was Alison's birthday. There was gift giving, I love watching people get excited over presents, specially over presents I made. Yay. We went to have dinner at the Indian Pavillon. I've never really eaten Indian food, it was different, not bad, just different. The bread was absolutely delicious, Nan. Yum-o. Barnone followed. One drink for Erin and I. Then reality set back in, and studying was done. Boo!! It was a good day, I think Alison had fun, and I really enjoyed the new experience.

There were tests all week. They went pretty well, incredibly well since I didn't study like I should have. Work is going pretty good. I'm getting better at it which makes me happy, I don't feel quite so much like an idiot. The people I work with are fun to be around, pretty funny too. That's what I need the most in a job, I need awesome co-workers and a boss that I like and doesn't make me nervous. This job seems to have those two things, so I think I'll keep it through the year. Grey's season preimere was last night. It was good, I really like that show, you get so caught up in it. "they are like my friends...(KL)"

"you may walk past a building every day never knowing that the person inside will one day be your best friend..."

A trip will be taken soon to Charleston. I am excited. I miss Maggie and Julie. There will be coffee and lots of laughs I feel sure. Some bar-hopping with Mags I hope! yay!

"Girl, Bye."

Today was a lovely day, and a good ending to a very pleasant weekend. I spent Friday with my roomies which was exciting and something we haven't done in quite a while. We went to Olive Garden, had berry sangria which was even more tastey than I thought it would be. There was laughter and happiness that has been missing for a while now. From there we went downtown. Had one or two too many drinks, but had a responsible driver so it was ok. Saturday was game day. There was tailgating, friends, friends' parents, the cutest puppy ever, Don and Doris, actual sitting at the game and more bonding with KK. Today was more eventful than I had planned. Homework has been pushed back but that's ok. We had lunch, watched most of the Colts game, went to retrieve my debit card from Barnone (oops), went to have my eyebrows waxed (yay), did a little more shopping.

Although, overall, this weekend was awesome; there were a few uncomfortable/confusing spots. I get mixed feelings of caring and not from people. I just want to scream, give me an answer, anything, just something besides silence. But then again, pushing people to deal when they aren't quite ready can be an incredibly bad thing, so as for now, I'm trying to be patient. I have a tendency to get overly aggitated by things. I'm trying to become better about that. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. But I guess we all need to feel loved and special...

On a happy note. Alison's Birthday is this Tuesday. Plus! Gilmore Girls season six is coming out in DVD. There will be a celebration I feel sure. It will involve lots of food that is bad for you; Jelly beans, caramel corn, jumbo marshmallows, cheetos, maybe even the biggest pizza in the world! As for the actual day, there will be Indian food which I am insanely excited about. I've never had Indian food, surprising since I spent a whole year in a 9x12 room with Shrinaben.

Many tests upcoming this week. Procrastination has gone on long enough. To the books I shall go...

'Okay. That's it. I can't remember. College is breaking my spirit. Every single day telling me things I don't know, it's making me feel stupid...'

"Rainy days and Mondays always get me down"

It has rained today. There was suppose to be wonderful coffee, a leisurely stroll in the beginning of Fall air. Coffee was still had, so yay. But it was dreary, and incredibly cold at House. The company was delightful, as usual, so that's a plus. My feet have been cold and wet since 10am, which is unfortunate. But now they are in comfy cozy socks. Baked at 200, ten minutes on each side so they are all toasty. Although I hear the microwave works, and faster too.

Instead of being sad about the dreary day. I have decided to rejoice in all the ways rain brings me joy. Warm, toasty socks. Thick sweaters which have been neglected in the closet for far too long. My umbrella which I find cheerful. The boy walking through the parking lot today, his umbrella featured little yellow smiley faces all over. Funny. My plant getting watered for free. My free car wash. How incredible snuggling in my bed will feel later this evening.

I've recently started a mini recycling program in my house. We now have areas and seperate bags for plastic, paper, and aluminum. I have to take it to the recycling center myself, but I think it's worth it. People who waste frustrate me. The other day I went to have dinner with some friends. When asked if they wanted their order for 'here' or 'to go' they said 'to go' when we had just had a conversation about eating in the establishment. Frustrated. Why waste unneccesarily? Is it too hard to walk a few extra steps to drop off a plate instead of tossing a box on your way out the door? Styrofoam isn't biodegradable ya know. I don't get it. Roomates that would rather throw away a plastic fork than have to put one in a dishwasher, or, God forbid, rinse one off by hand! Oh No!

'Well, hopefully people who don't want to reuse a paper cup won't mind buying SPF 5000 for their grandkids when the rain forest is gone, the ozone layer is a doily and the human race is bursting into flames'

There was much laughter at Blake Mitchell's expense today. I feel sad for him. He's out there, doing his best, which here lately has been less that supurb, but he's trying nonetheless. He makes mistakes, not on his game and he is immediately shunned by over 85,000 people. Considering all the comments I've heard the last couple days on the subject of Saturday's game, I might have punched someone in the face too. Then again, I guess that is just part of what comes with being semi-famous.

Sometimes I get a little tired of people who think they were put on this earth to 'save' others. I was told today that I should associate with people that I don't particuarly care for because they may need someone to talk to. I would be a good influence. My question, where as I may be a good influence, I don't really want someone that is a bad influence on me in my life. There are past relationships that I severed because I didn't see how they were helping me become the person I want to be. Is it so wrong to want to be better and realizing you need to illiminate things that keep you from doing that? Does that make me selfish? It's not like I simply dismissed someone from my life with a wave of my hand. It was given much consideration. I weighed the pros and cons. I thought about my benefits, the 'friends' benefits. I thought about if this relationship ultimately made me happy or caused me more sadness. In the end, I decided I didn't want someone in my life whose only dependable trait is that he's fickle. Does that make me a bad person?

On a positive note, there are some fairly recent relationships that have entered my life that I'm very happy with and excited about. These people are more like me than anyone I believe I have ever known. And that makes me happy and hopeful. Just when I was starting to doubt friendships in general, I found the most lovely pair of people. Yay. People I can share my GG moments with, which is truly delightful, it has the ability to create 'official' friendships. People I can share my undying love for coffee with, actually I think they were a catalyst for this obsession. I love the two ladies who reside on Henderson St. and all of their quirks and sillyness.

"I listen for mockingbirds."

Too often we go through the world in a blind haze. Today I realized that more than ever. I got up. Went to work. Went to class. Came home. But today was a little different. Today, the morning air was crisp, cool, the beginnings of Fall. That's when it hit me, I never notice the day. I get in a routine, I act it out, the day ends, and repeat. But no more my friend!

Yesterday started as a normal day. There was class, and a lot of it. I got a few moments to bond with Ann. Happy. We will go rock climbing soon (it's good to have a 'thing'). I went for the first time to the Richland County Library. It was large. It was spacious. It was filled with books. It was magical. I have discovered a rejuvenated love for books. I seem to be devouring them lately, it's almost as if I can't get enough! My desire to become better, more rounded, better read and informed, better traveled, more goal oriented has increased greatly in the last weeks. Is it the new year? Is it that it's the final in my college career? Is it fear of not getting everything I need out of this university? Who knows. All I know is that I love the smell of a new book. I think I have Erin to thank for this.

My addiction to coffee has become nearly dependant as of late. Funny thing is, it's not even the caffine. I love the taste, I love the smell. I adore espresso. I guess I really am my mother's child. She always told me I would one day aquire a taste for the glorious java. It's in my blood, my whole family drinks it like fish need water. Many people have cocktails, maybe a beer while watching the game. My family had coffee. Amusing when you realize your mother was right about something when you were certain she was a little crazy.

"Oh, I can't stop drinking the coffee. If I stop drinking coffee, I stop
doing the standing and the walking and the words putting-into-sentence doing."