"'Cuz everybody knows there's no solution, not everybody gets what they would like. I don't wanna be in this place forever, I don't wanna be here for tonight... If you want to go that's your decision, I've never been the one that said 'goodbye'."
it's impossible for me to tell people goodbye. it's never been something i was able to do. most of my friends i've had forever, and plan on keeping them that way. but i think, maybe, sometimes, some people need to be let go. it hurts. i don't like it. but i think for now it might be the best decision for me.
on a happier note. i got back into school. i will start in the fall, providing everything works out and i can find the money. i feel as if i at least have a purpose now. and this is the first good thing that has come from this break-up. i decided when we split i had to find something to do. some goal. a direction for my life. and i decided to go back to school. it's what i want. i think i'm ready to learn again. i'm ready to find the person i'm meant to be. i'm ready to use my biggest asset, my ability to give until exhaustion. and i know if we hadn't split, i wouldn't have felt pushed to do something, anything. i would have sat in my little nest where it was easy and comfortable, making both of us more miserable than need be.
someone told me today that things would only get better from here. each day would be easier, more fulfilled. i appreciate that. i just hope he was right.
ps. i would like new music. healing music. inspiring music. thankyou.
i am a little saddened that i won't be able to be with my friends in charleston, what with going back to school. it makes me very sad. but i also noticed today (when i spent five hours in cool beans) that i actually know a lot of people in columbia. not have a lot of good friends, but i have a lot of acquaintances. that made me happy.
"I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner, and everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner..."
the last few weeks have been hard, impossibly hard. in an effort to keep the pain at a distance, i have taken to partying, a lot. maybe not the most amazing decision, but it's better than all the other things that happen, and all the other ways i feel when i'm alone. on a happier note, i am making a lot of new friends, friends that come and sit with me, drink some wine and watch movies when it's too hard to be in my apartment alone. friends who take me out dancing when i don't want to hear my own thoughts anymore (we stand directly beside the speaker, no arrant thoughts could possibly enter above that noise, ha.) friends who remind me that although i feel like crap, feel completely worthless and unloveable, that i'm actually pretty awesome. (i know it's hard to be someone's self esteem for them, so to these people i greatly appreciate it. you're words are what keep me out of a dark hole.)
i'm ready for a move. specifically out of this apartment which oozes patrick. every wall, every doorway, every picture hung, every piece of furniture, makes me think of him. it's very taxing. so in an effort to change what i could, i have rearranged the entire apartment. flipped everything around in an attempt to make it feel less like "our" home and more like mine. i get to move mid-july. i have secured roommates, we are searching for places as we speak. somewhere with a yard for brodie. somewhere close to campus (hopefully in the fall we will all be heading back... the jury is still out on that). somewhere that is party friendly. these thoughts give me a goal and make it a little easier. however, if i don't get back into school, maybe i'll just flea columbia entirely. run away to san diego with ann marie. or finally make it down to charleston with erin and kt. either way, a drastic change is needed. i hope mostly for school, and continuing to develop the friendships i have recently made. we shall see.
A stolen idea from Bridget Jones: Number of cigarettes: 2 Number of pounds lost: 7 Number of boyfriends: 0
"I don't know what's right and what's real anymore. I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore. When do you think it'll all become clear. 'Cuz I'm being taken over by the fear..."