Friday, May 01, 2009

"...all the pain of a human life is caused by words, as is all the joy.  We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash.  We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure... I'm lonely... I'm a failure... I'm lonely...) and we become monuments to them."

i have to change my "mantra." i'm bring myself down, and i'm driving people away with my poor attitude.  i am pretty.  i am loved.  i am a catch. these are my new words.  they feel strange on my tongue. but i believe in the power of repetition and persuasion.  for the first time in nearly 24 years i actually find truth in those words.  it is a big deal, a HUGE deal, for me to be able to say those words to myself.  it's an iron man marathon to be able to say those words to others.  but it's where i have to start. i have to project positivity and happiness until it washes over me and becomes my reality. my continuous reality.  so step one: find a positive and uplifting mantra and repeat it daily. several times each day.  step two: project sunshine.  i bought some new clothes that are smaller (due to the rest weight loss!) they are hot pink and highlighter yellow. they are happy. i want to be a ray of glorious color like these clothes.  so i'm putting them on. thank you.

i can't control much in this crazy world. i can't make things happen the way i want. i can't make people love me anymore than i can cause rain to fall.  so i'm going to control the only things in my power, my attitude, and i'm going to leave the rest to god.  and at worst, i'm going to keep my complaining and sadness down to a minimum, because i know it wears other's down and i don't want to be the cause of frustration to those i care about and love.  

this is all a tall order.  basically changing the way i have perceived myself the entirety of my life. but it's time.  "you shall love your neighbor as yourself" ... i have to figure out how to love myself first. because i've always loved my neighbor more than i have my own self.  and i think that should be a commandment. because if you can't love yourself, where does that leave your poor neighbor?? sad.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love you and i think you are amazing. i am so happy to be your friend, and so inspired by your understanding. i think you have a lot of insight and you will do well.

know that you are loved, now, 7 days from now, and 7 years from now. -kt