oh life, it's just you again. joy.

me: i just want to love him! why won't he let me?

 Erin: you should ask him THAT

me:  i would sound bat-shit crazy if i asked him that. haha

 Erin:  so? you don't really have anything to lose...

 me:  i guess not. but i think i would just get silence. so what's the point?

 Erin:  knowing that you tried.

and knowing is half the battle

i hate wondering what if

 Erin:  that shit sucks

the imagined never goes away

the actual you can learn to deal with or get over...

but is it really so easy?? to just say it, just put it out there, make yourself that intensely vulnerable? what do you have to lose? the possibility. the hope. maybe it's better to jump in the fire, let it burn if it must. then move forward. oy, could someone else please handle this part of my life? thanks.

The Trouble with Rachel...

After reading a lovely little blog I like to frequent, (curious girl ) I have decided she has the right idea about focusing on your life and the things about you and your character that hold you back from your hearts desires.  As I read Lisa's list, I realized this is a woman in her 40s who finds some of the things that hold her back which are surprisingly similar to the things I find in myself.  So here goes, "the trouble with Rachel..."

1. She is insightful and full of deep thought, which often times comes out in a way that isn't constructive to others but seems more judgmental.  She doesn't know how to take the truth and the insight and present it in a soft way that allows people to really hear her; so what they actually hear is a "know it all bitch who needs to get off her high horse."  She also needs to learn to turn this insight on herself and her own personal life, and truly listen to close friends advice.
2. She has a tendency to "vent" about her problems to just about anyone who will listen; and while this is therapeutic at times, it often makes her seem more of a gossip than she really means to be.
3. She wants to live a healthier lifestyle but is incredibly lazy and will blow off exercise for any little excuse (creating lists, blogging, surfing the internet, shopping, lunch.)
4. She doesn't trust people in general, but specifically men, leaving her heart constantly guarded.  If she let's that guard down, it becomes nearly impossible to let that person go, or to give someone new a chance.
5. She loves to plan and start projects, but she never has any follow through.
6. She allows "fear" to have a huge hand, and typically the deciding vote, in her biggest life decisions. 
7. She needs for all things to be in their place but is also a massive clutter bug.  These things don't go hand in hand and often lead to stress and a feelings of anxiety in her day to day living space.
8. She desperately wants an outlet for her artistic side but is too lazy, scared, unsure, to actually fulfill this passion.

I'm sure at some point I will add to this list (and maybe even be lucky enough to delete) but for now this is what I have. These are some of the things about me that one might consider flaws.  I'm  not saying it's all bad stuff, but you know... all things in moderation.

24 Things To Do Before I Turn 25

ok, so this is a borrowed idea from a lovely lady out in Portland. (hula  )  and although this list isn't particularly large, i also only have six months it i plan to have it completed by my 25th birthday. which is in july. the start of july actually. so here goes

24 Things to do Before I turn 25

1. move to NYC with ann marie.

2. paint a canvas.

3. purge my belongings and sell the lot

4. go to a live play

5. see a concert

6. make a snowball

7. complete a long overdue handmade gift

8. bake a cake

9. throw a themed party with food

10. obtain a camera and learn basic photography

11. manage something

12. create 52 blog entries

13. leave the country

14. spend an entire day volunteering

15. practice yoga

16. play an entire song on the piano from memory

17. put my feet in an ocean that isn't the Atlantic

18. attend a local art show

19. go to a flea market and find one fabulous something

20. go skating, whether it be roller or ice

21. read four books

22. create and fill a "quote jar"

23. spend an entire day laying in the warm grass with a book, some music and a picnic

24. refinish my kitchen table

tall order? perhaps.

This Year in Review

2009 was not always good to me. actually, 2009 was mostly unpleasant.  but what i found out today (thank you facebook) is i was apparently pretty optimistic and positive this year (my most frequently used word was "happy"). so i decided to make a list of some of the things 2009 brought that were good. things that made it all worth it..

1. Dancing into oblivion with music so loud you can't think with a new friend.

2. Getting my first tattoo designed by my best friend.

3. Living a few glorious months with one of my favorite people in the world.

4. Meeting one of the best friends I have ever had.

5. Many summer evenings with a magical group of people. Taco Tuesdays. Brewery Night. Friday Dancing. Chicken and Waffles.

6. Four birthday celebrations in my honor.

7. Nights spent in Charleston with friends whom I miss every day.

8. Road trips to Charlotte. IKEA. Trader Joe's. Michael Jackson.

9. Beards.

10. Finding confidence.

11. Halloween. Part One. Part Two.

12. Mountain Weekend '09

13. A pterodactyl of Fall Music Mixes.

Odds - MUTEMATH

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea ...

Fables - The Dodos

14. Happy friends and their engagements.

15. Christmas Vacation in sketchy places.

16. New Year's Eve Celebrations. Part One. RENT drinking games. Part Two. Champagne and Dancing.

17. Leaving the year in a happier place than it started.

Laugh and Keep on Moving.

you know, sometimes being single is freakin' awesome. no one to worry about. you can flirt with men if you want. you can decide what you want for dinner without taking someone else into account. it's basically all about you and what you want all the time. and it's kind of fantastic.

but then, there are the occasional moments when the steamroller of life has been chasing you for weeks and it finally catches up to you. and when it does, you say, well shit... it sure would be nice to have someone around to depend on. someone to help pick up the slack. someone to help you get your car from the towing company. someone to wait for the exterminator so you don't have to wait an extra week. someone to help you poison your ant infested car and vacuum out all the dead bodies. someone to just give you a hug after you burst into tears at the car wash because you've spent the last two hours during the hottest part of the day killing ants that seem to come from some infinite source and all you wanted was a bottle of water but the vending machine ate your last dollar and when you finally broke down, the only one around to comfort you was a little homeless man walking down the street who stops and asks if you are okay....

that is when you say... oh yeah, this is why we put ourselves in the line of fire and trust men. because sometimes being independent is a little too taxing. and maybe, just maybe, it's worth the risk to let someone in if it means you won't be completely alone all the time.

just a thought for the day. and don't feel bad for me. because mostly, i find all the ridiculous stuff in my life extremely comical. i think i might write a little movie of my life. it'll probably be a romantic comedy. (and stealing the tag line from the new movie "(500) days of summer") "this is not a love story. it is a story about love." because that sums up my life... 

"His giant ambling confidence hushes down all my inherent nervousness and reminds me that everything really is going to be OK.  (And if not OK, then at least comic.)..."

-Eat. Pray. Love.

Ramblings.

favorite quote of the day brought to us by the lovely lindsey:

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. 

-buddha

p.s. i need to learn to go home earlier. true story.

there's only us.

"without you the earth turns, the sun burns, but i die without you.

... without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.

without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe

the mind churns, the heart yearns, the tears dry. without you.

life goes on, but i'm gone 'cause i die without you."

some days i feel like this. and i wish it would go away. it usually catches me off guard. one minute i'm fine, i'm laughing, i feel happy. then i turn the corner and heartbreak is waiting for me. i wish it would leave me alone. i don't want to feel it anymore.  i don't want to know that he misses me. i don't want to know that leaving me is the hardest thing he's ever done. it doesn't make me feel better. it only rips the wound open all over again. i want to feel nothing.

and the saga continues...

my apartment is under construction due to a slow leak in the plumbing that has rotted out a very important load bearing beam. awesome. what makes this so hilarious is that i told the property manager MONTHS ago that there was a leak behind the shower and the floor was getting severe water damage. did they take me seriously?? absolutely not. they sent someone down to snake out the pipes. because apparently that makes sense.  

so finally the actual owner of the property came by and i showed her what i was talking about and she got a plumber who found the damage to the beam. they then told me they were going to have to do some work and i would lose water for a couple days. but they were going to give me a key to a unit across the street so i could shower (i guess they didn't take into consideration that i might have to potty in the middle of the night...)

8am yesterday morning, the sledgehammers showed up and demolished my bathroom (because apparently the damage was severe to both mine and my neighbor's units, and we are getting brand new bathrooms!!! oh wait, i move out in about two months!! so not worth it.) and when they guys showed up at 8, i was in the bed with a fever (possible the swine flu). 

i go to work an hour and a half early to escape the banging, only to find (well after i had been there) that i wasn't on the schedule. great. so i go home to get brodie and decide to spend the day at my sister's instead of amongst the construction.  when i arrive at my apartment, the bathroom is gone. there is no floor. i can see the dirt below. sweet.

needless to say, i decided to crash at rebecca's. so after work today i decide to go by my apartment to pick up some clothes where i find that i now no longer have a hallway!!!!! that's right folks, there is now one small and scary wooden plank connecting my living room to my bedroom. and if i was a big fat fatty, i wouldn't have been able to cross that tiny threshold. WTF were these people thinking?!?! did they seriously think i was going to be able to live in this disaster?? in a house where i can't even get to my bedroom? my couch is covered with all the things that were in my bathroom, and all of that is coated in dust. REALLY?????

i have put up with a helluva lot over the last few months. and i've managed to still be put together, a little sad at times, a little self-pitying, but still okay. but this is the last freaking straw! i am pissed. i am not finding the freaking silver lining! my life is a giant practical joke, and it's been okay, and i've been able to find the humor and laugh (because really, what else can i do), but this is hitting a point beyond absurd. my house is a death trap and they think i'm suppose to just stay there?? i'm just suppose to shimmy along the wall in the dead of night trying not to fall in the hole where my floor use to be, go down and across the street in my pjs to use the bathroom in the middle of the night?? really?? come on!

"...all the pain of a human life is caused by words, as is all the joy.  We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash.  We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure... I'm lonely... I'm a failure... I'm lonely...) and we become monuments to them."

i have to change my "mantra." i'm bring myself down, and i'm driving people away with my poor attitude.  i am pretty.  i am loved.  i am a catch. these are my new words.  they feel strange on my tongue. but i believe in the power of repetition and persuasion.  for the first time in nearly 24 years i actually find truth in those words.  it is a big deal, a HUGE deal, for me to be able to say those words to myself.  it's an iron man marathon to be able to say those words to others.  but it's where i have to start. i have to project positivity and happiness until it washes over me and becomes my reality. my continuous reality.  so step one: find a positive and uplifting mantra and repeat it daily. several times each day.  step two: project sunshine.  i bought some new clothes that are smaller (due to the rest weight loss!) they are hot pink and highlighter yellow. they are happy. i want to be a ray of glorious color like these clothes.  so i'm putting them on. thank you.

i can't control much in this crazy world. i can't make things happen the way i want. i can't make people love me anymore than i can cause rain to fall.  so i'm going to control the only things in my power, my attitude, and i'm going to leave the rest to god.  and at worst, i'm going to keep my complaining and sadness down to a minimum, because i know it wears other's down and i don't want to be the cause of frustration to those i care about and love.  

this is all a tall order.  basically changing the way i have perceived myself the entirety of my life. but it's time.  "you shall love your neighbor as yourself" ... i have to figure out how to love myself first. because i've always loved my neighbor more than i have my own self.  and i think that should be a commandment. because if you can't love yourself, where does that leave your poor neighbor?? sad.