one day at a time

"I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner, and everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner..."

the last few weeks have been hard, impossibly hard. in an effort to keep the pain at a distance, i have taken to partying, a lot. maybe not the most amazing decision, but it's better than all the other things that happen, and all the other ways i feel when i'm alone. on a happier note, i am making a lot of new friends, friends that come and sit with me, drink some wine and watch movies when it's too hard to be in my apartment alone. friends who take me out dancing when i don't want to hear my own thoughts anymore (we stand directly beside the speaker, no arrant thoughts could possibly enter above that noise, ha.) friends who remind me that although i feel like crap, feel completely worthless and unloveable, that i'm actually pretty awesome. (i know it's hard to be someone's self esteem for them, so to these people i greatly appreciate it. you're words are what keep me out of a dark hole.)

i'm ready for a move. specifically out of this apartment which oozes patrick. every wall, every doorway, every picture hung, every piece of furniture, makes me think of him. it's very taxing. so in an effort to change what i could, i have rearranged the entire apartment. flipped everything around in an attempt to make it feel less like "our" home and more like mine. i get to move mid-july. i have secured roommates, we are searching for places as we speak. somewhere with a yard for brodie. somewhere close to campus (hopefully in the fall we will all be heading back... the jury is still out on that). somewhere that is party friendly. these thoughts give me a goal and make it a little easier. however, if i don't get back into school, maybe i'll just flea columbia entirely. run away to san diego with ann marie. or finally make it down to charleston with erin and kt. either way, a drastic change is needed. i hope mostly for school, and continuing to develop the friendships i have recently made. we shall see.

A stolen idea from Bridget Jones:
Number of cigarettes: 2
Number of pounds lost: 7
Number of boyfriends: 0


"I don't know what's right and what's real anymore. I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore. When do you think it'll all become clear. 'Cuz I'm being taken over by the fear..."

I am the worst. yes, yes I am.

i'm the world's worst blogger. sometimes i'm too busy. sometimes i have nothing to say. sometimes i have too much to say that it overwhelms me, therefore i don't do it. sometimes i feel like i need to have photographs to keep it interesting, so i don't. sometimes it's just because stalking people is preferable. you name it, and i'll use it.

so in order to update anyone who may still be looking in:

- i am very recently single. it was my choice to end a two year relationship. he moved out. it was hard. we are still friends. and i still love him. and no i don't want to talk about it.

- i saw ex #1 for the first time in several months this weekend. before i went, i prayed to god to help me through it (literally). which isn't something i do frequently. but i was calm, cool and collected when he and his new girlfriend came to meet with me. it went very well. the girlfriend hugged me when we parted ways (it was nice, but a little too much for me).

-i have taken to smoking recently, which baffles some of my long-time friends. i don't do it frequently, only if i'm super stressed. and i've had the same pack for three weeks now. so i don't think it's a problem

- i want a tattoo and tried three times this weekend to get one. there either wasn't enough time, or places were closed. but i'm going tomorrow afternoon. hopefully everything goes my way.

- i am trying to go back to school for public health. i want to work someone outside of the US. possibly africa. but i haven't heard from the school. nor do i know if i could get enough money from loans and the gov't to actually go. we shall see. feel free to pray for that, or will it to happen (depending on your personal belief system, whatever you have to offer i will gladly take. thank you).

- i got a MacBook as a present to myself for all the long hours i do. thank you tax refund.

-my knee is nearly healed from a spill i took on the charleston sidewalks. thank you, firefly mint tea vodka.

- i have resumed my pescetarian diet. i'm happier this way. weight lowers this way. (of course, that could be the whole single thing also). so please don't invite me over for steak and potatoes (and yes, that happened recently)

- i am inspired by all the people being physically fit in my life. (erin, summer, and the NC cousins. i was actually getting on the bandwagon until i fell. as soon as i'm healed i plan to resume.

i guess that's about all for now... oh yeah. i'm currently reading "eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert. and i find it interesting that i picked up this book now. i've been wanting to read it for quite a while. but put it off, read something else, whatever the case may be. then i started it, during my break up, and have found a lot of inspiring words from her. basically it came into my life at the perfect time...

"When I get lonely these days, I think : So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

ps. i hate capitalizing things. it takes too much effort.

Taking Control

Lately I feel as if I have no control over my life. I don't know where it's heading. I don't even know where I want it to go. It's like I'm waiting for the plan to be unveiled. All I know, is that for now, I don't like where it currently is. And with this lack of control of the big picture, I find myself a little obsessed with having control over the small things.

This became completely apparent to me on my previously mentioned trip to Asheville. I realized that I need to have control over the minor things or I feel anxious and flustered. But I decided that's not healthy. Because you can't make all the decisions when you are part of a group of eleven.

So, in this realization, I have decided to let go. Make decisions when I can, and otherwise try and go with the flow. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I'm going to develop OCD. For real.

I think I'll start focusing on my part in the big picture. Starting with looking for a more concrete job. Because floating around, although wonderful for getting time off when I want it, isn't good for me. I don't feel productive. I just feel busy.

Mental Repeat..

thought i would share.

life on repeat...

Sometimes people come back into your life, and it's a beautiful thing. Sometimes, it's not. This time, it's not. Parts of my past which I thought had faded away have reappeared. And I'm pretty sure there is a conspiracy to starve me out of this town. I know to many of you, this makes no sense. But to some, you understand.



I've wanted to move out of this town for well over a year now, but have lingered on. Partly because it takes less effort to stay, but mostly because I love a boy. But with bad memories lurking around every corner, I feel my time here is rapidly coming to an end. And I'm okay with that. Most days I can't wait for my lease to come to a close. But it also means I will have to leave things behind. Memories. A home. And probably a boy. For a while anyway. But I am excited to move nearer to dear friends. Friends I miss everyday. Friends I want to have lunch with, or just a cup of coffee. Friends that have shaped me into the person I am today. People who I am much better off for knowing.



Much has happened this week. A trip with friends has been planned. With only a day and half left until it commenses. And it couldn't have come at a better time. That's for certain...



Hearts and stars. Bubbles and Gumdrops.







I have some LOTR to finish.... Peace.

Productive is my Middle Name

Patrick is in California (Morgan Hill, specifically) for the week (learning about and test riding bicycles, all expenses paid, AND he's getting a regular paycheck for this "business" trip, but for him it's more like a dream vacation), and while I am super envious, I have decided to fill my days with other activities so I don't turn green. I am, as of this afternoon, working three jobs.

job one: Miyo's on Main- fine szechuan cuisine. some days I serve, some days I manage, most days I don't get paid enough.

job two: 300- a brand new restaurant in the Vista opened by my friends!! not only did a good friend and a former co-worker open this gem together, but it brought my college buddy back to town after a year and a half working in New York ( the state, not the city....Southhampton to be exact).

job three: Black Tie Bartending Services- I found myself working behind a bar in a giant clubhouse on the Saluda River this evening. If you've ever watched the TV show "Weeds", you'll know what I mean when I say I was in Agrestic. It was absurd. five bars, two bands, sushi, panini station, three tables with a flowing fruit display, top shelf liquor, beer, wine. you name it, it was there. and, by far, the easiest of the three jobs.

I have much more work to look forward to the rest of the week. But I feel guilty leaving Brodie alone for so much of the week without Pat to play with. I think I'll let him sleep in the bed with me tonight. And hopefully I can secure a play date for him tomorrow. But right now he's waiting patiently for me to play fetch.... so I guess more later.

Life on a Stand Still.

I don't blog frequently. And most times when I think of this place, the delete button comes to mind. My life is not exciting, I'm not traveling to Ireland or Morocco, I'm not driving 'cross country, I'm not expressing pain or distress in my online journal, I'm not keeping my family up to day with the family I've started, I'm just here, trying to figure out what to do with myself, and most days, nothing comes to mind.

There have been some minor changes. I started a new job. But an still working the old one, too. My friends have opened a restaurant, http://vistaeventsonline.com/300.html, and I am helping in the opening process. Yesterday was the official first day, it was a bit slow, but it gave us some extra time to continue organizing the space and working out kinks. Today, however, I stayed home because I'm sick. And my voice keeps fading in and out. Not appealing coming from someone bringing you your food. But I have to work my other job this evening, yet my voice doesn't seem to want to get any better.

I am currently trying to save up some money, to do something fun. Hopefully New York in January, we shall see. But saving is hard. Even harder when you have to take two days off of work due to illness, and you buy new pants... My bank account is dangerously low, but I'm trying to shave off unneccesary expenses and not touch my happy trip money that I have already out aside.

I'm currently rewatching all the episodes of Gilmore Girls. I'm up to season five. I have no cable, so I watch a LOT of movies, and TV on DVDs, and surf the internet a great deal, and occasionally read (currently: Washington Square by Henry James), and play with the dog.

Brodie is getting so big, and he's getting much better at the house training thing, he just hasn't figured out how to tell me it's time to go out. But he had surgery last week, so there will never be baby Brodies. He is currently eating a leaf on the front deck (that he ripped out of my peace lily) and occasionally barking at squirrels, or passing cars, or passers by walking their dogs.

On a completely different front, Patrick bought a new bike. Actually, he had a new bike, that he sold a couple weeks ago, then he broke the frame of his track bike. Meaning the remaining bike got altered into a track style bike and he felt that he should purchase a new one, to replace the one he sold, and the one that broke. It's a very expensive bike. When we walked into the bike shop to look at it the other day, the entire staff was standing around it, marvelling at it's beauty....

don't you worry, trusty viewers, there will be pictures forthcoming.

It's hot out...

So we got Brodie a haircut. They asked me if I wanted him shaved. I said yes. They asked again. I said yes. Then they called before they did it. I still said yes.... maybe I should have thought that through...

They left him fuzzy faced and tailed. And he lost about 75% of his bulk. And did I mention he kind of looks like a Bobble-head?? But, he likes being outside more. He actually plays instead of laying in the grass panting. And he chews on everything. Mostly his toys, but sometimes my shoes. And he knows what the puppy pad is for, but he rebels none-the-less. I don't even have to say anything to him, just walk in the room after he's done it, and he hides under the couch... it's frustrating...

But on the bright side, he has learned how to fetch very quickly so playing is easier for me, so we do it longer. And today he watched himself in the mirror. He was weary of the creature across the room. Everytime it moved, he would stare it down (and it would return the glare), then we would sniff the air. It was adorable.

So via request from Christy.....

Happy Birthday to Me.

His name is Brodie.

He's seven weeks old today.

I love him.

My Name Sake

I missed her the moment I heard she had collapsed. I'm angry at myself for not taking a picture with her Sunday. I'm angry this happened before our lunch date. I'm angry my family can't get along. I'm angry they aren't respectful of each other. I'm angry she had to accept her children would never be a family.

I always pictured her there for my wedding. I always knew she'd be the perfect great-grandma to my children. I'm glad she was completely satisfied with her life. She told me on our last day together that she was 91 years old. And she had done some of it all. She said it with a look of contentment. And she had.

She's been such a huge part of my life. From picking me up from elementary school, taking care of me when my parents split up, taught me how to make banana pudding, she was there when I was getting ready for my senior prom. She's been there for 22 birthdays. Bought me groceries when I had a falling out with my dad in college.

She's no longer there to give me advice about boys. Telling me to hold my head up high after a painful break up. Assuring me that one day he would regret it. She's no longer there to tell me jokes or tell me the same stories over and over until we're in tears from laughter.

She's been telling me for years to get use to the idea that she wouldn't be around one day. I just never thought it would be this hard when it happened.

(this has been sittin in my draft file for a month, but i finally found a picture worth posting.)