"Just for now.....get me out of here"

"Leave all our hopelessnesses aside...
Just for a little while, Tears stop right here,
I know we've all had a bumpy ride.."
-Imogen Heap

Life is hard, and it hurts. People who love you ultimately hurt you. Is that being pessimistic, or is it just the nature of the beast? Because really, only those that you love can really get to you in order to cause any pain. What do you do?? Forgive them for their wrongdoing?? God tells you to forgive and forget. But is it really that easy? It's hard to forgive. Harder so to forget. But can we afford not to??

"Bite tongue, deep breathe, count to ten nod your head.."

I wish life was easier. I wish answers were easier to find. I'm told to ask the Lord and he'll answer. But it's hard to not have instant gratification. But then again, maybe that's why we are blessed with friends. Someone who is tangible. And, at times, a messenger of God's words.

A big part of me wants to be the forgiving being that I know I should be. Another part desires to be angry. To throw things and hit someone. "Here hit Weezer..."
Is there a point where you don't give someone a second chance? Are there unforgivable crimes? Or do you forgive everything, every wrongdoing? That seems hard. But I really want to forgive and move forward...

"All that I know is I'm breathing, all I can do is keep breathing,
All we can do is keep breathing...."
-Ingrid Michaelson

"The dust has only just begun to form..."

"Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me 'round again, and rub my eyes,
This can't be happening..."

I was told today that my "laugh was contagious." It was from a lady having dinner with her husband. And it made my whole day happy.

I think back to days long ago, well as long ago as they can be in my relatively short life... Back to days when I was a lot less happy and easy going than I am now. And I hated people telling me that I was abrasive and other unflattering adjectives. So it was a pure joy for a complete stranger to tell me that I spread happiness. I think I love her...

On a less optimistic note, I was told some news today that's been a bit hard to swallow. It's always hard when people in your life move on. They go in their own direction, leaving you to your own path. And lives that were once so intertwined drift apart and become so separate, it's hard for others to imagine they were, at one point, almost one existence.

"Oily marks appear on walls,
where pleasure moment hung before..."

I know it's ridiculous, but I hate it when people move on. Not that I wish people don't go forward with their lives, I just hate not being a part of it. But I guess in order to expand your horizons, meet new people who introduce new ideas that ultimately shape who you will become. I guess in order to accomplish all this, and get everything that life has to offer. You have to have a past to gain perspective from. It's just that it's so difficult to let things go into the realm of "the past."

Maybe this doesn't even make sense to anyone except myself. It's just me trying to make some sense of life.

"Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you,
You don't care a bit. No, you don't care a bit"
-Imogen Heap

"But I'd like some extra spare time..."

Today was my first day of work. It went well. I ran food mostly and helped Michelle bus tables with it got really busy. She seemed to be pleased with me, which is good. I got complimented, whew... I then preceded to stare at the computer screen and learn the POS system. That part was uber boring.

I then got a free house salad and cold noodles. It was tastey, and did I mention free??

I walked in the rain today, with no shoes. It was cold. And my hair is no longer straight. But I was afraid my shoes wouldn't dry by tomorrow, so barefooted it was... Matt would be so proud..

Afterwards, Patrick and I went to Publix for some chocolate Soy milk. As we were walking down the aisle this lady passing by told us we were "a cute couple." :) Happy. It was very sweet of her, and kinda made me blush...

My head hurts now, so I think I'll take a nap while Patrick builds a table for his "bike shoppe." It's real cute that he has his own space for his hobby now. A space aside from the corner in the washroom... I think he's worked on some bike or another for a few hours everyday since Sunday. And the amount of parts and even whole bikes has multiplied... Soon, we are gonna have to get him an extra building for all that stuff...

"Staying home can't be that bad for me...
But the bills keep changing colors.."
-Rilo Kiley

"I cannot sleep with these thoughts running through my mind...."

This weekend was pretty good. I spent the entirety of it cooking and planning for my grandmother's ninety-first birthday! Yay! My whole family was there, with the exception of my father. It was great because that hasn't happened in years... Seriously. Everything went pretty well. Until I returned to Columbia and received a text message from my dad. He was mad and decided he didn't want me in his life anymore.... Yea.... It's okay though, this is the third time he's done this in the last four years. But enough about that.

I have an interview at Miyo's tomorrow. I have been advised a few times that I should seek employment elsewhere, but I have bills and am almost completely out of money. So I must take whatever I can get at this point. I think I may attend the job fair in later this month and see what I can come up with.

On a happy note, I have a living room now!! It's very exciting. I am currently sitting on the couch, laptop in hand in front of the TV while Patrick bangs on his bicycles behind me. He now has his very own space for his most prized hobby. It makes me happy. We have a smaller room now, but a Much larger closet. Now I can hide my mess better. I also spent a good bit of time purging my closet and accessories today. I get told on a regular basis that I have too much stuff. This is the third time I will be taking a trip to the Goodwill to donate unused and unloved items. Patrick is slowly breaking of my need to be a pack rat, which is good because no one needs to have this much crap. I should have figured this out after moving in August. At least this time I will have less stuff.... Okay, well maybe not less, but at least everything I will have will be needed more. I hope.

"My head is racing and I'm worn thin...
But I know you will pick me up again..."
-Leslie Dudney

"Hello it's me again...."

"A whole lot's changed since I left and, I don't know, I guess I felt like checking in...."

I've been a little MIA lately. Trying to figure out what to do with your life is very time consuming. Although the search is by no way concluded, at least now we have a laptop that I can take to my coffee world for blogging and other such things. So for an update:

Trip is moving out and we will have a living room once again.

Patrick helped me pick out a bicycle! It's pretty. And blue!

I am currently looking for a job, both for now and as a career. I have applied to some restaurants figuring that would help me get some cash and pay bills until August. And I'm looking for a career to start that is preferably located elsewhere after my lease runs out. I have a unique job proposition Summer found that I think I'll look into. It's in Charlotte.

I need to find other things to do with my time. I think finding a new job will help, at the least I'll have other people to talk to, unlike my latest job. Maybe I'll find somewhere to volunteer or some kind of class to take. I'm thinking about taking the cake decorating class at Hobby Lobby...We'll see, I need to find a work schedule first though!

On a happier note, we are having a small family party for my grandma this weekend, she'll be 91. On groundhogs day. Most of my family is going to be there, so I'm really excited about it.

Hopefully, I can get Wednesday free because E is gonna come visit!! Yay!
That's all I have right now....I gotta go have some bonding time with Trip before he leaves...

I will return. Hopefully sooner than later....

"I don't know I guess I think about you all the time..."
-Schuyler Fisk

Everyday, a New Day...

Not the case my friends....Not the case.

Welcome to my world....

Wake up Older

It's summertime. A time for being outside. Doing a whole bunch of nothing. Working. Going to the beach. Spending some much needed down time with Friends. Going to Happy Hour until midnight because there are no other responsibilities. Spending time at home. Visiting those too far away to see on a day to day basis. There are a lot of things I love about the summer. There are a lot of things I love about the summer in this city. (the intense heat in this concrete jungle Not being on the list). But at least we have Fountains....

Erin is suppose to come to Columbia this upcoming weekend. I hope it's true. I miss her. A lot. Maybe there will be some iPop :) or some Slushies.... and lots of Happiness.

Today was filled with work, as usual. But then there was a very entertaining visit to the Goodwill Store. A ride in the first intense summer storm (where I tried to stay out of the rain pouring through the roof). Some tastey nachos. A trip down memory lane (thank you, Julie Roberts). Maybe I'll do laundry later. Probably not.

I'm grumpy. I think I will take a nap.

"I Feel Like a School of Fish..."

These days are precious and few. I love all of them.

I now have a love for Blue Cactus. It was a great meal because it was with good friends. It was shared with more to spare. It was final. It was the first full meal after a week of illness. It was everything wonderful. I'm gonna miss those days. A lot.

I got a job offer, seasonal job, in Montana. I don't know what to do. I would have to leave in two weeks. I'm kinda attached, scared, confused and worried. I wish there was a guide book to life.... It could be amazingly fun. It could suck really badly. I could come back with nothing here. No place to live. No job. No...well, you get the idea. Maybe my mommy will tell me what to do...Okay, that's a copout. I know. Ugg....

I hope to always be a part of a school of fish....

Hello. I love you.

"Well, you sure are beautiful..." this is what some man told me when I was walking out of CVS today. I blushed.

Life is good. I love my friends, they are amazing. Even if I have been a bit flaky lately. I adore them. They are the reason I get up everyday with a smile on my face. And they love me back. I know this because they came to Pint Night because I was having a bad day. I had my own entourage. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

My personal life has gotten a little crazy lately, but good crazy. I don't know what I'll do after this semester ends. The last classes I'll ever sit through. The last time I'll be an undergradate. The end of the best four years of my life. I wish it would last just a little longer. I'm not ready to say goodbye to the people who have shaped who I am, the people who have made me love me. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my city, this city I made my own. I love this city. The noises, the long strolls, the insane number of awesome coffee shops, my horseshoe, the squirrels, the football games, some amazing chefs and teachers, my best friends...I think Columbia will always have a huge chunk of my heart.

At the beginning of this semester I was excited to be done, to leave, to explore new territory. But now I'm having a hard time with the idea of leaving. But I am grateful that Erin helped me see how much I love this place so that I don't miss a moment from now until the end. I wouldn't want to miss these days, they are so dear. Each one I try to be observant of everything so I don't miss anything. And they have all been wonderful.

Tomorrow will be my last day at the McCutchen House. I don't know if I can say goodbye to them. It's were I came into my own. Where I came out of my shell. Where I began to feel worth something. Where I met the most amazing friend I think I may ever have.

Before that will be one of the last breakfasts with IMMAC. I have a feeling there will be tears. Happy reminising, but tears nontheless. Man, life goes by so fast. I can't believe it's been four years. Where did all the time go??

Next week will bring a lot of tearful goodbyes; lots of good nights; lots of joy and sorrow. New steps have to be taken, we can't stay this way forever....

But for now I think I will go spend sometime with my city, some time with the bagel shop kids, and another Thrusday night with Erin and Grey's. Life is good. How did I get this lucky?? Someone must really love me.

"I need some direction. I need someone to listen. Someone to tell me they know..."

"And life's so hard. It's the little things that seem to be getting me today. And life's so hard. But I'm doing what I can not to be getting down. Well, I'm going down in flames. Going down in flames."

the world spins too fast, all i can do is hold on. try not to fall off. i need a chance to breathe. a moment to myself. is this what it is to be grown? does it ever let up? does it ever slow down?

i want to sit in the sun, have no place to be. i want to be outside. spend some time with me. i need a chance to breathe. a moment to myself. is this what it is to be grown? does it ever let up? does it ever slow down?

the days speed by, no time for savoring. there's always somewhere to be. some expectation to fill. i need a chance to breathe. a moment to myself. i don't want to be grown. i want to be free.

"And life's so hard. It's the little things that seem to be saving me today. And life's so hard. And I'm doing what I can. I'm doing what I can... I'm putting out the flames."